Addressing Abuse and Harassment

Exercises & Practices

Is This Me?

These questions aren't a test. Just notice your internal response — what tightens, what you want to explain away, what you'd rather skip.

• When someone raises their voice, do you automatically back down — even when you know you're right?
• Do you regularly make excuses for how someone treats you? ("They're just stressed." "They didn't mean it." "It's not that bad.")
• Have you ever stayed in a conversation or situation that felt wrong because it didn't occur to you that you could leave?
• Do you feel responsible for managing another person's emotions — keeping them calm, keeping them happy, keeping them from getting angry?
• When something feels uncomfortable, do you immediately question whether you're "overreacting" instead of trusting the feeling?
• Do you find yourself apologizing first after every conflict, even when you're not sure what you did wrong, just to end the tension?
• Has someone ever made you feel like your pain wasn't real — like what hurt you shouldn't have hurt?
• Do you walk on eggshells around a specific person, careful not to "set them off"?
• When someone acts needy or helpless, do you feel physically incapable of not stepping in to help — even when you suspect you're being used?
• Have people told you that a relationship in your life isn't healthy, but you keep finding reasons why they don't understand?

Questions Worth Sitting With

These don't have quick answers. Sit with them. Let them work on you before you try to work on them.

• Where did you learn what was "normal" in relationships — and are you starting to question whether it actually was?
• If your discomfort is information, what has it been trying to tell you that you haven't been willing to hear?
• What would change in your life if you fully believed that you don't have to be "right" to set a boundary — you just have to be uncomfortable?
• Who taught you that your pain wasn't real? And are you still listening to that voice?
• If the person who mistreats you were treating your best friend the same way, what would you tell your friend to do? Why is it different when it's you?
• What are you protecting by staying silent — the relationship, or your fear of what happens if you speak?
• Is there a relationship in your life that only works when you have no needs, no opinions, and no boundaries? What does that tell you?
• What would it cost you to trust your own senses? What is it costing you not to?

Growth Practices

Pick one. Try it this week. Notice what happens.

Week 1: Notice. This week, pay attention every time something feels "off" — a comment that stings, a request that feels unfair, a moment where your stomach tightens. Don't do anything about it. Don't explain it away. Just notice it. You might write it down: "That didn't feel good. I noticed it." The goal is to practice trusting your internal sensors instead of overriding them.

Week 2: Name it. Pick one situation from the past week where something felt uncomfortable. Write down what happened, what you felt, and what you did (or didn't do). Then write down what you wish you had done. You're not judging yourself — you're building awareness of the gap between what you feel and what you act on.

Week 3: Practice the phrase. Find one low-stakes opportunity to say: "I don't feel comfortable with that" or "That doesn't work for me." It could be as simple as declining an invitation, redirecting a conversation topic, or asking someone to give you more space. Notice what it feels like to use your words as a boundary. Notice that the world doesn't end.

Week 4: Stretch. Identify one situation where you've been tolerating behavior that doesn't feel right. Have the conversation. Use your words. If speaking directly feels impossible, bring someone with you — a friend, a counselor, an ally. You don't have to do this alone. The point isn't a perfect outcome — it's discovering that you have a voice and it works.

Week 5: Build your team. Make a list of people you could call if you felt unsafe or needed someone to believe you. If the list is short, that's your assignment: find one safe person this week. Go to a group. Tell a counselor. Reach out to someone who has shown they can be trusted. Protection is relational — you were never meant to carry this alone.

Scenario Cards

Scenario 1: The Helpful Coworker Jordan has a coworker, Sam, who is constantly asking for help with projects. Sam always seems overwhelmed and stressed. Jordan is naturally compassionate and has been picking up Sam's slack for months — staying late, taking blame when Sam's projects are behind. Recently, Jordan noticed that Sam has plenty of time for long lunches and leaving early. When Jordan tried to say no to one request, Sam looked hurt and said, "I thought we were a team. I'd do this for you."

What manipulation tactic is Sam using? Why is this hard for someone like Jordan to recognize? What would you do?

Scenario 2: The Explosive Family Member Morgan is dreading the holidays because their uncle has a pattern of making inflammatory comments, then exploding with anger if anyone pushes back. The family walks on eggshells. Last year, when Morgan's cousin tried to change the subject, the uncle accused her of "disrespecting him" and didn't speak to her for months. Morgan's parents have told Morgan to "just keep the peace" and "not set him off."

What power dynamic is operating here? What is the family sacrificing to "keep the peace"? What options does Morgan actually have?

Scenario 3: The Silent Treatment Alex and Casey have been married for eight years. Whenever they have a conflict, Casey withdraws — goes silent, sleeps in the guest room, gives one-word answers for days. Alex has learned to always be the one who apologizes first, just to end the silence, even when Alex isn't sure what went wrong. Alex is starting to feel like the relationship only works when Alex doesn't have any needs or opinions.

What is Casey's manipulation strategy? What is Alex sacrificing? At what point does Alex need outside support — and what would that look like?

Journaling & Reflection

Looking Back

• What were the unspoken "rules" in your family about conflict, anger, and self-protection? Which ones served you well? Which ones have cost you?
• Think of a time you stayed silent when something felt wrong. What held you back? What do you wish you had said? Write a letter to your past self — not to criticize, but to offer compassion and wisdom.
• Has anyone in your life made you feel smaller, weaker, or more powerless than you really are? What tactics did they use? What did it cost you?

Looking Inward

• What are your "buttons" — the vulnerabilities that manipulative people can press? (Guilt? Fear of anger? Need for approval? Fear of abandonment? Over-responsibility?) How did those buttons get installed?
• When you feel uncomfortable around someone, do you trust that feeling — or talk yourself out of it? What would it look like to start trusting your discomfort?
• Dr. Cloud talks about walking around with a "sunburn" — places where even a normal touch hurts because you're already wounded. Where is your sunburn? What happens when someone presses on it?

Looking Forward

• Who are the safe people in your life — people who believe you, stand with you, and don't explain away your experience? If you can't name anyone, what would it take to find them?
• What would it look like to trust your senses more — to believe yourself when something feels wrong? What's one small step you could take this week?
• Is there a conversation you need to have, a boundary you need to set, or a situation you need to leave? You don't have to act today — but naming it is the beginning.