Addiction

Exercises & Practices

Is This Me?

These questions are for two audiences — the person who may be struggling with addiction, and the person who loves them. You'll know which ones are yours. Don't rush. The ones that make you defensive are probably the ones that matter most.

• Have you ever told yourself you'd stop or cut back — and then didn't? Not because you changed your mind, but because when the moment came, something overrode your decision?

• Do you need a drink or a substance to feel normal — not enhanced, not happy, just normal enough to function? Has what started as enjoyment crossed the line into life support?

• Has your tolerance changed? Do you need more now than you used to need for the same effect?

• Has your drinking or using started causing problems in your work, your health, or your relationships — problems that you minimize, explain away, or hide?

• When someone brings up your drinking or using, is your first instinct to defend, minimize, or deflect? Do you find yourself getting angry at the question rather than sitting with the answer?

• Have you called in sick for someone, made excuses for them, or cleaned up a mess that wasn't yours to clean — because the alternative felt worse than carrying it yourself?

• Do you organize your day around monitoring, worrying about, or managing someone else's substance use — while your own health, relationships, and goals quietly fall apart?

• Have you ever hidden how much you drink or use from the people closest to you — or hidden how bad things really are from people who could help?

• Do you feel like you're going crazy because they tell you you're imagining the problem — even though you can see it clearly?

Questions Worth Sitting With

These don't have quick answers. Sit with them.

• Dr. Cloud says the first step of recovery is admitting powerlessness. What would it mean for you to say those words out loud — "I am powerless over this" — and actually mean them? What are you afraid would happen if you did?

• If drinking or using is a way of medicating, what are you medicating? What pain, what emptiness, what feeling is so intolerable that you'd rather risk everything than sit with it?

• The Beatitudes begin with "blessed are the poor in spirit." What would it look like to reach the end of yourself — and what might you find waiting there?

• If you love someone in addiction — what consequences have you been absorbing? What might happen if you stopped?

• What has this cost you? Not just money or time, but what have you lost — what relationships, what dreams, what version of yourself — that you haven't let yourself count yet?

• Dr. Cloud distinguishes problem use from addiction by one test: when confronted honestly, can they change? You've been confronted — by this page, by the people around you, by your own sleepless nights. Can you change? If you've tried and failed, what does that tell you?

• "You didn't cause it. You can't control it. You can't cure it." If all three of those statements are true — and they are — then what is within your power? What can you actually do?

Growth Practices

Pick one. Try it this week. Notice what happens.

Week 1: Notice. This week, keep a simple inventory. If you're the one struggling: every time you reach for the substance, pause and notice what you're feeling right before. Anxious? Lonely? Bored? Ashamed? You don't have to stop — just notice the feeling underneath the craving. If you're the one who loves someone in addiction: every time you do something to cover, bail out, or manage the situation, notice it. Write it down. What prompted it? What were you afraid would happen if you didn't? Don't change anything yet — just see clearly.

Week 2: Try. Share one honest thing with one safe person. If you're struggling: tell someone you trust what's actually happening — not the minimized version. If you're the loved one: tell someone the truth about how bad it really is. Not the version you tell at dinner parties. The real version. Notice how it feels to say it out loud to someone who can handle it.

Week 3: Stretch. Stop one enabling behavior. If you're the loved one: pick the one thing you do most often to cushion the addict from consequences — covering for them, paying a bill, making an excuse — and don't do it. Just once. Let the consequence land where it belongs. Have someone you can call when the guilt hits. If you're the one struggling: attend one recovery meeting. You don't have to talk. You don't have to go back. Just walk in the door and listen.

Week 4: Build. Make one structural change. Find an Al-Anon meeting, a recovery group, or a counselor and make contact. Not "look into it" — actually call, actually show up. This is the step that changes the system. You can't sustain change alone, and you were never supposed to.

Scenario Cards

Scenario 1: The Money Request Your adult child calls asking for rent money — again. They say they'll be evicted if you don't help. You know from their social media that they were out at bars last weekend. Last time you helped with rent, the money was gone within days and the story didn't add up. They're crying. They sound desperate.

What would you do? What's the difference between helping and enabling here? What would you need in order to hold a boundary in this moment?

Scenario 2: The Family Gathering Your sibling is an alcoholic. Your parents are hosting a holiday dinner. Last year, your sibling got drunk and caused a scene — yelling, crying, saying hurtful things. You're dreading a repeat. Your parents want everyone to "just get along" and pretend everything is fine. Your sibling hasn't acknowledged last year at all.

What pressures do you feel? What options do you have? How do you honor your family while still protecting yourself? What would it look like to stop managing everyone's experience?

Scenario 3: The Promise Your spouse just completed a 30-day treatment program. They're home, they're going to meetings, they seem different this time. But you've heard "this time is different" before — three times. You want to believe it. You're also terrified of being hurt again. They want things to go back to normal immediately. You're not ready.

What does healthy support look like here — versus pretending everything is fine? What boundaries would help both of you? What's the difference between hope and denial?

Journaling & Reflection

Looking Back

• When did you first realize something was wrong? What did you see? What did you tell yourself at the time? Looking back, what do you wish you had known?

• What patterns have you fallen into trying to help or cope? Maybe it's covering for them, obsessing over them, trying to control the situation, isolating yourself. Name the patterns without judgment.

• What has this cost you — not just money or time, but trust, peace, relationships, dreams, your sense of self? Let yourself count the cost honestly.

Looking Inward

• What's the hardest thing about accepting that you can't make them stop? Is it fear of what will happen? Guilt about "giving up"? Loss of hope?

• Where have you been telling yourself you're fine when you're not? What emotions have you been suppressing? What needs have you been ignoring?

• If you're honest, what are you most afraid of? Name the fear. You don't have to solve it — just acknowledge it.

Looking Forward

• What would "getting your own life back" look like? What relationships would you invest in? What goals would you pursue? What would you do with your energy if it wasn't all going toward managing them?

• What would it mean for you to focus on your own recovery — regardless of what they choose? What would change? What would you have to let go of?

• Write a description of your life one year from now if you fully embraced your own recovery path. What would be different? How would you feel?